Motherhood

I've never really thought about being a mother.

Some girls loved dolls. My younger sister, for example, would carry her doll around everywhere she went. It was more than a toy to her, it was something she really did nurture and care about. In some ways, my stuffed animals were like that to me, when I was younger. I'd play with them in my room, we'd go to carnivals and zoo's for humans together... (Seriously. I was a rascal.) ... but to me, these guys were more like my friends than children. I never really got into the whole doll scene. I only liked Barbie because I could practice some wicked interior design in her Dream House.

As I got older, I started babysitting. For some reason though, it never clicked that "Hey! Someday, you could actually be doing this for your own kids. This could be your life." I regularly babysat three boys when home in the summer or on breaks, and had the TIME of my LIFE ... DAY with those goobers. They're a ton of fun, I really liked hanging with them. But that's kind of what it was for me. Hangin' out. [Is it strange that, to me, I'd rather try out some new nerf guns in the kitchen than go to a boring adult party? I never really thought about it.]

I watched a movie this weekend. It's called "The Family Stone." Has a bunch of big names in it. If I were to describe it in three words, I'd say: predictable, cute, and Hollywood. However, one thing that I walked away from this movie with was something I've never really experienced before... excitement for motherhood.

When the word 'motherhood' is brought up, I normally think of young kids. Elementary school, pre-school, diapers. There's the toys and games, the cowboys and robbers, the Barbie and American Girl... but as I get older, and as my sisters get older, and as my whole family grows older... there's this strange shift in dynamics. And I'm really diggin' it. The parents and the daughters really start to relate to each other, I guess. Similar humor develops, 'real world' problems are discussed and resolved, my opinion has a say as much as Mom's or Dad's. There's a letting go of the responsibilities that come with parenting, or 'motherhood,' and suddenly an ability for me, as a daughter, to step up and help out Mom or Dad with big important issues... not just setting the table.

As I watched "The Family Stone," I saw a family with many struggles, prejudices, boundaries to overcome, and as they were worked through, the cornerstone, Mom, slowly fades in role. It struck me. Here is one woman who has made such an impact on the lives of her children when they were kids, that now, in the present-day of the movie, she's able to turn back to them for help, correction and support. And she needed it.

Suddenly, I want that.

I want to raise a bunch of kids, letting them develop their own styles and attitudes and opinions. I want Christmas at my house in 40 years to be noisy. With laughter and traditions and "remember when's." I want to laugh at their stories of school pranks, embrace their weeping bodies, whispering comfort, and say 'Clean your room' before the guests come over. I want to set for them the greatest example of what a woman should be, how she should act, what she should say, how she should care. I want to nurture.

It's like that instinct that should have kicked in at age 2 with "Susie-Squirts-a-Lot" is now up and at 'em. I am PUMPED for a family!
It's gonna be awesome.



That said, I sure can wait. A good long time, actually.
I have a lot to do before any of these shenanigans get started. And a great deal to mature, change, grow.... especially if I'm going to be the best mother in the world.

The Fear of the Unknown

I've always heard it said that humans have an innate fear of the unknown.
But that's not quite right, is it?

I mean, in order to fear something, anything, you have to know something, anything, first. If you put a newborn baby in a tank with crocodiles, will it fear them? No. Why not? Well, (1) because it's probably unaware that it is even with crocodiles in the first place, and (2) because it doesn't know anything about crocodiles yet... like their big long jaws full of sharp teeth, strong muscles, or carnivorous appetite.

One of my biggest fears is losing friendships. Why? Because it's happened, and it really sucked. Another one: coming into the possession of a great deal of money. Why? Because I've seen it's effects in others, and think I'd be vulnerable to the same corruption. It was only after I knew something about these things that I feared them. And it's only after any of us learn anything that we have something to fear.

Now, ironically, here I am with a fear of not knowing enough.
I know enough to know that there's more I should know, and not knowing how to get there... that's a huge reason to be afraid. I've come to terms with the fact that I have a large decision to make soon, about where I'm going to spend the next few years of my life, and what I'm going to be doing during them, but it's pretty hard to make a choice when you don't know all the options. God, give me the options. I want to be able to do all these things I'm dreaming of, but I just don't know how to get there.

Maybe that's the unknown that humans fear... the not knowing whether or not you'll make it out of this life with all those boxes on your to-do list checked off, with actually reaching those standards you've built your life around reaching.
A recent 2010 survey found that 46% of Americans are unhappy with their jobs. That means over half of this country is waking up each morning to face something unpleasant. (Coming to terms with this happy little realization, that what's we call a mid-life crisis.)

I don't want to part of the 54%.
I never did like being in the majority anyway.

'Ding!' You are Free to Move About the World.

I've got some thoughts to blog about. But, as seems to be the case whenever my creative writing mind is opened, I am not connected to the Internet. So I shall type this up, only to forget about it in a day or so, unless by some miracle I remember to post it later this weekend. I find myself this particular Friday afternoon sitting in the Observation Deck of the Baltimore-Washington International Airport in a rocking chair, staring outside a wall of glass. On the other side of this see-through partition happens to be the runway from which dozens of planes will take off and on which dozens of others will land during the hour I sit here waiting for my family to come pick me up.

It really is a strange concept, isn’t it? Flying is quite basically cramming as many people as possible into large metal tanks with engines strapped on the sides and propelling them into the stratosphere. People sit in comfy chairs, drink coffee, read the news, sleep, watch movies… all the while thousands of feet in the air.

For most of us, this is a day-to-day occurrence, just another way to get from point A to point B. It never seems unusual to see a plane above us… we don’t quite need run to the windows to know what’s going on if we hear a loud jet fly overhead. But for others it is one phenomenon they will never experience. Many don’t have the opportunity (it really is a privilege to be able to fly). Still others, category C, don’t really feel the need to cast themselves off into the sky in a heavy metal rocket armed with nothing but a seat for a “flotation device,” thank you very much.

For me, flying is a freedom. I will fly whenever given the chance. I love it. It’s such a unique way to experience the world that surrounds us… nothing can compete with the strange perspective gained when miles above land. As I flew today out of La Guardia in New York City (Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘A layover between Rochester and Baltimore?! How lame!’ and rightly so, for it is, indeed, lame. However, it is also significantly cheaper, and for a college student, saving money is very important. Actually, for anyone with half a brain saving money is important. Moving on…), staring down at the harbor where small boats speckled the smooth surface of the Atlantic, their masts sticking straight toward me like the hairs on my goose bumped arms, I couldn’t help but be in awe of the advancement of technology and the opportunities it’s presented my generation with. To list them would be monotonous. The very fact that I’m typing this on my laptop in the middle of an airport while listening to Citizen Cope in the most comfortable pair of headphones I’ve ever worn while simultaneously texting friends in various states should be enough proof.

I think the one aspect of flying that appeals to me most is the communal way of things. It is one way of transportation that brings absolute strangers within close proximity of each other for hours at a time. Now, I realize that this thought in itself may be quite UNappealing, but meeting strangers is one of my favorite things… especially in airports. Where else do you have the opportunity to have long conversations with someone you didn’t know existed yesterday, and chances are, will never see again? When so far up in the air, you have no one else. You only have each other. It is simultaneously isolating and bonding people.

It’s the prospect of glancing into someone else’s life, that’s what I like. I chatted with someone this morning while checking in, and then ran into him again at the security checkpoint and a third time while getting the essential 5 AM coffee. We acted like old friends, when in reality we had only known each other for about 30 minutes. Once, I sat next to a man on the way to Puerto Rico who was flying there from Switzerland. He was in the middle of interviewing for two jobs, one in each country, and trying to figure out where to go to live and start a new career. That was an intriguing conversation… I remember it clearly. By the end of it, we were sharing some chocolate he had picked up in Europe and swapping jokes. It’s been almost two years since that flight. I wonder where he ended up. Then there was this one kid; on his way to hunting for elk in Alaska with his dad… that was an interesting story. They had to bring guns, of course, to hunt with, and when they were checking their luggage, opened up these large black cases with the biggest guns I had ever seen packaged neatly in gray foam inside, like something from a movie. I think this was my first flight, ever… and my stomach just about dropped to my pinky toes when I saw that. Haha! But once my friends and I got talking to these guys in the gate, and our initial anxiety turned into curiosity and eventually cordiality.

I think that people who travel fascinate me just as much as travel itself fascinates me. There are so many reasons to be in an airport. Students, like me, are traveling home (or back to school)… business men and women are on route to yet another weekend conference… a family is returning from a once-in-a-lifetime trip to a foreign country… a rock band is leaving for a tour across the world. To quote the musical brilliance that is John Mayer, “Airports see it all the time/ where someone’s last goodbye blends in with someone’s sigh/ ‘cause someone’s coming home, in hand a single rose."

I guess that just about sums it up for me here. There are two elderly ladies sitting nearby having the funniest conversation (at least they seem to think so) and I think I might join them. Remember the next time you fly how funny of a thing it is, and what a privilege it is, too. And strike a conversation with the person next to you...9 times out of 10 it's interesting. Plus, there's a chance it could be me. :)

Heavenly Hospitality

It has been quite a while since I was able to gather my thoughts and type them out for the world to read, in blog form. (The last post was a quite a few weeks ago, and those thoughts weren't even my own.) As I sit here now, reflecting on the past couple weeks, and this past week especially as classes started for Spring semester, I can't help but be a blogging type of mood.

Christmas break came and went, and I with it. I flew home for the Christmas, but left soon after for a backpacking adventure in California with one of my best friends, Ann. We spent a week touring the southern coast, basing our travels around the city of San Diego. If there was a way in which I could describe the all the incredible sights, sounds, and emotions we experienced you better believe I'd share them. From the time our plane landed in San Diego to the time we boarded a week later and flew back to Philadelphia, our world was rocked. It was a trip that came at a perfect time in my life. The last couple weeks of the past semester had been tough, suddenly any added stresses and demands were magnified, and I started having those "I just need to get away" thoughts. For a while, the trip had been the "light at the end of the tunnel," and became more than a tourist vacation, but a time of refocusing on what is really important.

When I stood in front of the Pacific Ocean watching one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen, singing with Ann,"I Could Sing of Your Love Forever," God's natural beauty and spiritual comfort overwhelmed my thoughts and melted away any anxieties that had recently slunk into my life. It is amazing what happens when you give your worries to Him: you don't have them anymore!

Perfect example:
When planning our trip to Cali, Ann and I were trying to figure out where to stay but were struggling to find places cheap enough or safe enough for a couple college students on a tight budget. Hotels were safe but expensive, hostels were cheap but sketchy. In addition, our parents weren't thrilled with the idea of their two young ladies flying 3,000 miles away without a place to sleep each night, either, let's just say. So Ann, brilliant woman that she is, thought back to a youth conference she had attended a few years ago in CO, where they slept on the basement floors of the churches in the area. She e-mailed Church of the Brethren's, (Churches of the Brethren? How do you make that plural?!) to see if they would mind if some homeless Pennsylvanian girls stayed a night or two on their property while in the area. To our complete surprise, all of the pastors replied with the name/address of someone within their church willing to let us stay in their own home! Our worries about where to stay and how much it would cost us were suddenly wiped out when we asked God's own house, the church. We received the phone numbers and addresses of our hosts, as well, and each night when we arrived in their particular city or town, would call our host and they would come pick us up and bring us to their home. It was not only a wonderful way to meet and fellowship with our brothers and sisters, but an incredible witness of Christ's generosity and love that we sometimes fail to see in the world around us.

This week, in Old Testament Theology and Literature, my professor, Dr. Dwyer, was speaking about Ancient Near East values and how they compare to the values and culture we live with and within today. Among a list that included such items as honor, marriage, and the significance of meals, hospitality was mentioned. Citing Genesis 18:1-8, Dr. Dwyer commented on Abraham, about 99 years old at the time, actually running around his home and property to prepare a meal for three strangers who had walked by his house. For someone to rush out and greet a stranger is most unusual, but then for that person to offer a full meal to three strangers without first asking, "What do you want? Why are you here?" just doesn't happen in today's world.... right?

Wrong.
It happens in California.

It happens when two girls tell the church they are coming to visit from a distant land, and the church sends its hands and feet out to them, and offers a place for them to spend the night. Ann and I received hot meals, we received transportation, we received a bed, hot showers, and snacks/supplies for the rest of our journey. However, what shone through all of the hospitality, gifts, conversations, and acts of kindness was this: the love of God.

It was an encouraging aspect of our journey afar, for sure. Meeting and living with families up and down the southern Californian coast became an instant highlight of our trip, and the new friendships we have with once complete strangers are treasured much more than any "I <3 CA" t-shirt we would (n)ever buy.

As you enter the new year, may you also find God's love and generosity in the people surrounding you, and be yourself a witness to those searching for His love and comfort.

Forgiveness

Maybe the real point of forgiveness isn't other people. I mean, we talk about setting them free and letting it go, but maybe forgiveness is ultimately about me, and it's about you. It's about us. Because when I forgive somebody and I set them free, it's like I'm really setting myself free. It's like when I forgive them and let them off the hook, I'm really letting myself off the hook. If I'm still carrying all that stuff around, it's a miserable... it's a miserable way to live. I mean, I don't know what you're carrying around, or how long you've been carrying it around... but as we journey through life, we get hurt and we get wounded, and we end up carrying these debts that people owe us. It's like we carry them with us everywhere we go. And after a while, these bags get heavy, don't they? And they can end up making the journey exhausting.

God didn't create you to carry that stuff around! God created you to be free, free from bitterness, free from rage and anger and revenge... free from feeling like you're the judge of the world. I mean, what does it look like for you to just let it go?

-Rob Bell

myspace profile

so i had/have myspace. but i never use it anymore. it was more of a middle school thing. now i only visit myspace to see artists pages, which i don't need to sign in for, so i never sign in.

well, today i did. and this was what i had written on it. thought it was cool, i cut it and pasted it here. i now have nothing on my myspace, but it really doesn't matter. check out my profile:

i don't like eating fish but for some reason i don't mind the smell of it. i think because it reminds me of the ocean. i love the beach. it's my favorite place in the world. so relaxing and peaceful, and at the same time so exciting and full of life. and colorful. i love colors. bright colors. and i love designing things. even though i'm not very good at it. i like painting my toenails but hate painting my fingernails. hands are the coolest part of the human body. they make me marvel at God's creation. i love the creativity of God. and God in general. we're BFF. and someday he's gonna save this world. :) a lot of people don't know this, but i actually really like poetry. i read it in my free time. and i journal a lot. and i don't mind writing. unless it's something pointless for a class that i hate and want to be done with as soon as possible. (can i get an amen?!) hehe. i love performing on stage. i love making other people happy. that's why i work at customer service, i guess. laughter keeps me going on days when i feel like quitting. i could not survive without my friends. i love them so much. friends are real treasures in life. don't wait until your last few months of high school to realize this. petty fights and drama are not all worth the time everyone seems to allot them. i don't waste my time with people i don't want to be with. but i don't spend enough time with the people i do want to get to know better. i text way too much. and i hang out with my sisters way too little. i love my family. my dad is the best role model i could ask for, and my mom is the most amazing woman you'll ever meet. plus, i have two awesome sisters who are a blast to be around 24/7. i'm a goofball.

but i love serenity and most of the time would prefer to be by myself than out and about. i like reading, but i'd rather go for a run or a bike ride. i used to roller blade every day after school for hours. I LOVE MUSIC! i listen to it almost all the time. i do have favorite bands (switchfoot!) but i actually like a LOT of different kinds of music. like classical, for instance. weird, i know. i just recently started to like classical. and i love techno/electronica, and of course rock. not so much country, but i've found some good ones, thanks to a couple cool friends. and most rap songs make me throw up. i LOVE to travel! and i really want to backpack around the world someday. but i love even taking simple weekend trips just to see something new. i love experiencing new things and if i could have my way, i'd probably never do anything twice. tight schedules are suffocating. i work at a grocery store. ha! i love riding roller coasters. i love taking risks. i really like my life in this small town i grew up in. and i wouldn't change any part of it for the world.

H2IK

AJ once told me that the idea of a man knowing everything about something is folly. His word, not mine. He said that man, by his very nature, is dependant on other men. We need each other to survive. The problem is getting anybody to admit that. As a species, we pride ourselves on being self-sufficient. Why ask a stranger for directions? We’d rather stay stubborn and lost.

Like it or not, man by his very nature is dependant on other men. We call ourselves explorers… independent… courageous… but what are we without the support of our brothers? I mean, how far do we truly get if we try to do everything alone? When the simplest, smallest thing can drag the whole world around you to a halt, I want peace of mind. I want to rely on my brother. And know that he’ll find the wrench if I don’t.